How to pick up guys and other inanimate objects

Being single definitely kicks ass sometimes.  It’s fun to do what you want whenever you want and just because you want to do it.  Just to be clear: I’m not putting down boyfriends, fiancés, lovers and/or husbands because they’re great sometimes too. And I should know, I was just dating someone’s fiancé last week- and they were great! (Just kidding)

Bottom line: I enjoy being single right now.

After all, my ‘About Me’ section says I’m ‘fun-loving’ and can you still be ‘fun-loving’ if you’re in a relationship? I mean a serious relationship too. Not those relationships you have just to get your rent/mortgage paid and meals bought/made. Those are definitely good relationships (I highly recommend) but by no means are they serious. In fact, the only places I’ve seen ‘fun-loving’ used to describe a couple is when they try to describe themselves (inaccurate) or when they post online to find another ‘fun loving’ couple to join them (inappropriate).

Enter my future life partner. I always assumed fate and God’s universal plan would work their magic and I had no intention of intervening with that. However, this past Saturday I was told the worst possible news that a single, beautifully aging, childless daughter can hear from her loving, beautifully aging, defeated parents:

“Hi sweetie, good to hear from you too. Oh and by the way, we’re spending your inheritance.”

Eeeeep! They’ve given up on me finding ‘the one’ and have instead decided to improve ‘the one’ house they own. My wedding fund has been turned into new flooring in the front hallway, kitchen, and living room; new cabinets in the kitchen and an updated fully functional main floor bathroom. Funds that would’ve been invested in the future education of my offspring (their grandchildren) has instead been invested in the 42″ LCD flat screen TV in the family room and a new, state-of-the-art, silent dishwasher in the kitchen. Hopefully in the future you can pay for University fees with DVDs and clean China.

Spurred into action, I realize I have very little time to secure old what’s-his-face (aka the love of my life) in time to cash in. Cruise season in hotter climates is fast approaching and Canada’s  only getting colder by the second. This needs to be resolved ASAP before visions of 5-star getaways start dancing in their heads.  This is motivation like no other to find that special starter marriage guy.

To be quite honest (and as I’ve mentioned before I HAVE to be), as a single, fun loving female, I really don’t see myself as an expert in this area. I date regularly and have a great group of guy/girl friends with whom I have a ton of fun. Some of my girlfriends think that I know the tricks and tips to this and have routinely asked me how to meet guys and to share with them all I know. I always laugh it off and run down my top 5:

  1. Smile – Surprisingly, many people don’t do this.
  2. Be happy – It’s a state of mind.
  3. Love and respect yourself – Trust this, it shows.
  4. Watch your posture – Crossed arms, slouching, hands on hips, clenched fists?? Like c’mon. Unless you’re a surly teen, get over this.
  5. Showcase your assets – everyone has ‘em: Great smile? Beautiful eyes? Long legs? Show. Them. Off.

What’s that? Don’t think a single gal knows what she’s talking ‘bout Willis? Hey, I’ve rejected 3 serious wedding proposals in my lifetime (4 if I count the cab driver I met in Estonia this past summer and I dooooo!). True, this might not make me an expert in this area and might just mean I’m either overly picky and/or the guys who asked weren’t picky enough, lol!

Jokes aside, this mission (Operation: Love(?)/Marry/Collect) is very serious and I’ll need to bring in the big guns on this one. Turning to God’s newest testament, the Internet, I’ve narrowed down the search to four possible quick-fix Saviors:

#1. eHarmony.com

eh-logo

 

We’ve all seen the ads. Whether you want to believe it or not- gorgeous, TV-ready people need help finding love too.

 

TAG LINE: ‘Fall in love for all the right reasons’

WHY THEM: Large database of potential love matches. They claim a high rate of long-term relationship success because ‘you’re matched based on 29 Dimensions® of compatibility that are crucial for relationship success.’

PRO: eHarmony does the matching for you and sends the info directly to you, using their 29 Dimensions® of compatibility test.

CON: None of those dimensions include ‘good looking’ or ‘has all his teeth’. Personalities only and some of us are shallow. Plus you can only view whomever eHarmony says is for you.  No peaking at anyone else (I wanna  have what she’s having).

My Thoughts: I’m curious myself to see what these dimensions are and who I’d be paired with. I wonder if you can even parlay this to all relationships – office mates, friends, family, etc. Imagine using these compatibility tests with your coworkers or siblings. That would certainly shake up office life/family dinners.

 

#2. EventsAndAdventures.comevents_and_adventures_logo

The idea is to get out there and meet new people in a fun, exciting environment. Takes people out of their everyday and into something new.

TAG LINE: ‘In order to meet someone interesting, you have to do something interesting.’

WHY THEM:  ‘Each event is designed so that people with common interests can get together in a relaxed environment to socialize and have fun’

PRO: Cool! Wow! Fun times. Skiing, horseback riding, kayaking, rock climbing, oh my!

CONs: Can you wear heels, full makeup and a skirt for the rock climbing part? It might be hard to impress when you can’t dress to impress. No personality tests or bios to browse.  You have to ask the person all those questions right to their face.

My Thoughts: Cool! Wow! Fun times! My desire to participate in these fun activities may outweigh my desire to actually meet Mr. Right. Where are the horsies??? I wanna ride one now!

#3. PlentyOfFish.com

plenty of fishTAG LINE: Uhh…there are ‘plenty of fish’ out there.  Go get one.

WHY THEM: It’s a free service that puts the power of finding your ‘one and only’ in your hands. You do the searching, you do the messaging, you do it all. Ranks as high as paid sites in many areas.

PRO: You can view info on whomever you want, wherever they are.

CON: It’s a free site. Its also well known that you typically get what you pay for…

My thoughts: The website doesn’t strike me as professional. It looks like some college kid in his parent’s basement designed it. (Hey, turns out that it was a college kid!)

#4. Match.com

matchdotcom

TAGLINE: Find love. Guaranteed.

WHY THEM: ‘With the click of a mouse, members can instantly see photos and read about potential matches in their area.’ Full profiles and up to 26 photos per profile for a full view and better understanding of your potential new mate.

PRO: They guarantee true love in 6 months. How perfect is that? My Wedding will be scheduled for right after the 2010 Olympics.

CON: If you don’t find true love in 6 months, you get 6 MORE months for free. Hey, wait a minute…

My thoughts: The ‘guarantee’ alone has me backing away.

 

So there you have it. My future husband is somewhere out there in cyberspace waiting for me.  With all the never ending options, I’m almost tempted to go the old fashioned route: wearing a sign on the street that says ‘Will marry for $$$’. It’s one way to guarantee that we at least have one dimension in common – greed.

Oh and in regards to picking up other inanimate objects, similarly and depending on size- you just need to make sure you bend at the knees and keep your back straight.

 

 

Now, help me choose:

Operation: Love(?)/Marry/Collect


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7 thoughts on “How to pick up guys and other inanimate objects

  1. Actually, I was told it was a 50″. And it still does not guarantee that they will not spend your inheritance in 6 months – LOL

    • Oh goodness. A 50′ screen TV??? Really?? Since when did my ‘rents become frat boys?? Alright well I’ll need you to keep an eye on them for me when you visit. I’ll do what I can from over here! 🙂

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    • Thanks Nico! When I’m ready to throw myself back into the online dating world, I will give it a try for sure and let you know. 😉

  3. May I simply say what a comfort to discover an individual who truly knows what they’re talking about over the internet. You actually know how to bring an issue to light and make it important. A lot more people must check this out and understand this side of the story. I was surprised you’re not more popular given that you most certainly have the gift.

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