I predict the following….

This just in: New Year’s Resolutions are a thing of the past. Who needs them?

We all know what the big, important and near impossible to do in one year ones are:

  1. Achieving world peace
  2. Eliminating world hunger
  3. and of course Solving global warming (myth or no myth, we definitely need to clean up the planet before it becomes the pigsty my mom claims my high school bedroom was).

However, if you’re still into making resolutions (we’ll call you retro vs. passé) I’ve just made the list for you. You’re welcome and good luck because that last one is going to be a tough battle. Actually that first one is probably going to take up a lot of your time too.  Hmmm…. and that middle one isn’t too easy either. So again, good luck with that. If anything, you’ll probably solve these before you complete your resolutions from last year. Snicker, snicker.

Personally, I stopped making New Year’s Resolutions because it was getting too depressing to fail at a whole list of the same old things at the beginning of each year. Depression wasn’t a great way to start a New Year.  Now, if you STILL feel the need to make a list of things you want to accomplish for 2010, it’s important to first look back at your previous failings attempted accomplishments from 2009.  So, let’s review and grade your last year’s resolutions, shall we. Trust me, I’m doing this for our own good:

  • #1. Slim down: Did you get healthier this year? Oh you didn’t? Oh, you actually PUT ON a few? Yikes! What a shame.

GRADE: FAIL

  • #2. Quit smoking: I take it by your hacking cough that you’re still puffing away, right?  Those filtered tips not doing much to stop the various tars and poisons from coating your lungs, eh? Tsk, tsk, tsk. That’s not good for you or for anyone else (2nd handers).

GRADE: FAIL!

  • #3. New job: If u were lucky enough to keep your job this year (unemployment’s up to 10% you know) then good for you. Sure you work double the hours, you haven’t had a raise in years and your budget’s been slashed in half but lucky you still gets to wake up early in the morning and travel across the city to spend 10+ hours a day at a job you’re hoping to get laid off  from and with a big severance package.

GRADE: Moderate FAIL 

Alternate GRADE: However, if you lost your job in the summer and enjoyed unemployment benefits whilst roasting on the beach – PASS!

  • #4. Quit drinking. Hmmmm. This must have been a typo. I’d say if anything, drink MORE! (Please note, this does not apply to registered alcoholics. For those of you who don’t go to meetings continue to live it up!)

GRADE: Sobriety FAIL!

  • #5. Volunteer/Help Others/Give Back: hahahahahahahahahahahaha
    If any of you accomplished this (and it wasn’t required for your school course, mandatory, or court ordered as part of your parole) then congrats! For the rest of you:

GRADE: FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!

You know, I think we can end it off right here. You’re already looking at a maximum 50% success rate. Not too impressive.  So unless you reduced stress, spent more time (willingly) with friends and family, got out of debt or saved the world….just take the 50% and move on.

Now don’t get too depressed. I like to look at that wine glass as being half full so think of it this way: You’re succeeding @ failing and that’s certainly something, right??

However, if you do actually want to succeed then I’ve learned the best way to do this is to set your own parameters.
Don’t listen to what they tell you to do, don’t do what they think you should be doing or even what your momma says: (find a spouse, get married, give me grandchildren…in any order please). Make your own plans, set your own limits and forge your own path!

For me that means out with Resolutions and in with….. Predictions! Miss Nelley, crystal ball-ologist extraordinaire.
My credentials: I religiously studied under Miss Cleocommercials and I think I picked up all I need to know. After all, as you know,  I’m a quick learner.

Peering into my crystal ball, I see the following in my future:

2010 Prediction #1:

Occasional food smorgasbords and all you can eat bonanzas will continue to tempt but overall healthy eating and exercise to prevail…

2010 Prediction #2:

An employment opportunity of Olympic proportions will be presented…

2010 Prediction #3:

A big move to take place  in the Spring….

2010 Prediction #4:

Visits to a favourite locale in the desert will continue and potentially expand in numbers…

2010 Prediction #5:

Educational improvements in marketing and advertising will be on the agenda in early 2010…

2010 Prediction #6:

Action on your part will help to fill the social calendar of others with house parties, dinner parties, go kart racing, tubing, snowboarding, wine & cheese parties and other fun events…

2010 Prediction #7:

Your mode of transportation will remain public until well into 2010…

2010 Prediction #8:

Blog subscribers to double (your dad will join your mom and read the blog too!)

2010 Prediction #9:

A gong show will be the best description for the evening of December 31st, 2009. Also, from what little you will remember of it, it will have been the Best. Party. Ever! …even though you learn the next day that you forgot which hotel you were staying at, left your cell phone in the room, misplaced your hotel room key and then had to trek across town in heels to find the right one. Despite all that – Best. Party. Ever!

2010 Prediction #10:

A chilly reception on January 1st, 2010…

That’s it folks. Miss Nelley has spoken. So it has been predicted, so it shall be done. You’ll note that the trick  here is to keep it fairly vague. This makes it easier to apply to any part of your life and thus to succeed at it too. Yay!  
Ok, now go forth and apply some predictions to your own lives. It’s fun, there’s no pressure and if you’re good at it and keep it vague enough then ‘A change will come in early 2010’ could easily mean a new job opportunity, a new love interest OR you simply changed your underwear (that time of year already, eh?). Or, ‘My weight will alternate’ could mean an increase or a decrease. The difference between 6-pack abs or a keg around the middle. After all, you said you wanted an excuse to get a new wardrobe…you just never realized in what size.

Happy New Year!

New Year image
Crystal Ball source
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2 thoughts on “I predict the following….

  1. Pingback: Opportunity knocks – Olympic style « Living, with 'Nelley

  2. Pingback: 2011: A great year for ass « Living, with 'Nelley

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