A St. Bernard through a mouse hole. An elephant ramming into a chain link fence. A t-bone steak squeezed through a meat grinder. None of these are desirable to me. Is this what I have to look forward to?
Meeting up recently with a same-aged and similarly childless friend, we were happily reminiscing about the good ol’ days when suddenly she bombarded me.
Her: So how are you dealing with those maternal instincts.
Me: Maternal what now?
Her: You know, the feeling you get when you hold a baby in your arms and suddenly you get this overwhelming urge…
Me: You mean like to kidnap the baby? There’s a huge black market for-
Her (interrupting): No, no, no! (Pause). Well mostly no. What I mean is the overwhelming feeling you get of wanting to have a baby of your own. Legally.
Me (disappointed): So no kidnapping then?
Nope. No maternal instincts here. I think I sort of get what they’re supposed to be – I’ve heard the mother cub/ baby cub theory – but the only things I’ve ever felt overly protective about are the last slices of pizza (hands off!) or the first slices of birthday cake (anyone’s will do).
Now I understand matriarchal instincts, because I’ve always wanted to be treated like a queen and who doesn’t like to rule? (bow before me, child like minions!)
Even when confronted with someone else’s child, I won’t let those disease carrying sugar fiends give me a kiss. I told a good friend that recently too – not sure she liked that I referred to her adorable offspring as ‘disease filled’ but if the germinated offspring fits the cold/flu carrying profile…
It’s not that I don’t like kids (crying babies in confined spaces, anyone?) or don’t want kids (if only I could rent out a uterus…), it’s that I don’t ever, ever think about them.
However, I do love the child like spirit. Kids and I are very much alike – we like to disobey rules, we’re free spirited (them- actually, me – wanna be) and we all scream for ice cream!
Worst case – I assume these largely fabled instincts will overtake my common sense one day and in this rare case I will accidentally pop one out. Why accidentally? Because that’s probably the only way it could happen – just ask my girl Mary.
Why I don’t like/have maternal instincts:
- I don’t need them
- I don’t think about them
- I don’t like overwhelming feelings taking over my life so I efficiently seal them safely away. Forever.
- I could care less about biological clocks and how (or if) they’re ticking (just turn if off if the noise gets to you)
Oh why couldn’t my friend mean material instincts?
Material instincts: The fanatical desire to constantly accumulate material possessions.
Now those are instincts I understand. But maternal instincts???
Humph. Who needs em!?
Kitten pic source