Why I don’t want children and other false confessions

Awww look at the baby! (not mine, promise!)

Not now but maybe one day if by accident. I’ve got too much to do first to saddle myself with a few missteps children.  Sure these eggs are getting older and fewer and far between but as I sit down to visualize my life with one, or two, or gawd forbid four beautiful young things, an unsettled, unfinished feeling weighs down on my chest and normal breathing becomes a struggle. Realization: In order to have offspring and let them live their lives, I have to live mine first and I’m certainly not done with it yet.

Plus I love the idea of adoption. Adopting 5, 6 and 7 year olds and bypassing those diaper-ridden, work filled early years.  You can adopt at any time too and it still equals all of the joy, none of the ripped uterus/cracked pelvis reality. A win followed by another win followed by raising kids for the rest of their (your) life.

Hold on

Yes, it might be that my guy fella wants babies and if that were the case then I would absolutely consider it should his desire be so great. To unilaterally decide not to have kids is both selfish and unrealistic.  I would feel the same meeting a guy fella who says ‘10 kids or nothing’ to ‘No kids but travelling’. These are decisions you make together and definitely not alone.

You owe me

Plus I would feel a little indebted to him as the preacher announces Mr John  Smith and Mrs First Name first and keeping my Last Name na na na na boo boo to you.

You see, I’ve had this name for 20+ years and I’ve only had him for quite a few less so unless his last name is Rockerfeller or Rocafella, I’m keeping mine until the end of time. Now, if he persists I take his last name then I’ll insist he take my first, or even my middle one in exchange. As is my nature, I’d at least give him some options.

To be real though, if my guy’s telling me what to do, then he’ll soon be somebody else’s guy. I love and welcome suggestions but I detest and reject orders. If you want to order me around, I had better be wearing an apron and yielding a pad of paper and a pen and calling you ‘sir.  And should it come to that, I implore you to please take a quick glance out your window in search of the flying swine I guarantee to be present.

But in the meantime, me popping out babies?

.

.

Not on my watch.

–photo source

Love thy Father

It’s Daddy’s Day everyone! However, I dislike it when the focus is shifted off of myself so let’s talk about something sorta father related but even more directly related to me: Daddy’s Little Girls.

Term:               Daddy’s Little Girl (DLG)

Genus:             Spoilus Brat-acus

Also known as: Princesses, little angles, precious darlings and other monikers that only add to their appeal (or repeal)

Age range: From birth till death

Telltale signs of a DLG:

If you’re looking in any bar that begins with “girls, girls, girls!” you won’t find them there. Ditto to anything offering shows for 25 cents (DLG’s would charge at least $1!) or any hotel offering ‘hourly rates’.

Easily recognizable by the pedestals they carry around (to stand on, in a pinch),  daddy’s little girls are all about self-respect. Their dads think they’re the greatest and can’t do any wrong and this reflects positively into many aspects of their daughter’s life. DLG’s are self confident, self-assured and have very high expectations. They’re the result of fathers who teach them to reach for the stars, never to accept anything less than what you’re worth (in gold) and to treat their bodies like temples (take off your shoes before entering, and for goodness’ sake, clean your feet first!).

Famous Daddy’s Little girls:

  • Chelsea Clinton
  • Ivanka Trump

Obvious girl with daddy issues:

  • Anna Nicole Smith (let’s hope Dannielynn is saved from this fate by her father)

Hey. Don’t look at me. There’s a reason the term “daddy issues” exists. I didn’t invent it, I’m just reporting on the facts, people.

Normally, I would get all philosophical and poetic about fathers and all that they do but I won’t because my father would hate all that sentimental crap. From dismissing the ‘idiot box’ (TV) for being filled with useless programs to his love of CNN and Fox News for their no-nonsense reporting, Daddy Dearest is a no-nonsense, get to the point, “why are you crying because it won’t solve anything”, ‘don’t waste his time on foolishness’ kind of guy (love him!).

So in his honour, let’s bypass the sugary coating and get right to the nougat filling. Why my dad can kick your dad’s arse:

Sh$t my dad says:

“They ain’t gonna pay my bills”

In response to why he lives his life the way he wants to and doesn’t care what other people think. I reflect on that whenever I need to make decisions for ME. Think about it. In life, you sometimes care too much about what other people say or think or feel about you. How many of those people whose acceptance you crave would pay your bills if you needed them too? Or pay your rent if you spent too much on some designer outfit to impress them?  Bottom line: Live your life!

Dad's favourite football team

“You’ll never get rich working for someone else”

Starting his own successful business years ago, he encourages others to discover their talents and use them to start their own companies. The government has numerous benefits and credits available to small businesses and it’s all legal and available if you look for it. My dad certainly has…

“Just drive your car…”

My dad’s theory on how we can all be better drivers. If people would drive properly and pay more attention to how they’re driving, we’d have fewer accidents. He would calmly direct this saying towards other drivers as they honk at him for using the exit ramps/on ramps to quickly slip ahead on congested highways.

“I’m ready to go, I’m just waiting on you…”

Notoriously tardy, we used to get dropped off to school mere seconds before the bell rang. He introduced us to the buzz and the excitement of the ‘Just made it” club. I am unfortunately now a lifetime member and have to work extra hard to get to places on time (apparently ‘on time’ and ‘early’ are 2 different things. Who knew?”)

“I’m not saying I’m perfect…”

Dad's favourite hockey team

This typically begins a long lecture into why he actually is. We nicknamed him “Mr. Perfect” soon after. Great marketing and I like to think I learned from the best. Teach others how you want to be viewed.

Some sayings from the other famous Sh$t my dad says guy: http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

And finally…

Good fathers lead by example. My dad has been eating healthy since birth, has never had McDonalds or KFC and wouldn’t buy white bread “Even if that crap was 10 cents a loaf. Heck, even it was FREE I wouldn’t touch it”

FYI - One body belongs to my 59 year old dad & the other to my 33 year old brother

Good fathers get their kids great seats to baseball games, buy them hot dogs, popcorn, slushies and peanuts and don’t mind when their little girl brings a book along and reads it  during the entire championship game (I really was just there for the food, tee hee).

Good fathers don’t yell when a DLG gets into a car accident with their mother’s car (again…and again…and yes, again!) because they know a disappointed look is far more effective than disappointed  yelling (I’m sorry daddy! Wah!). Of course, joking to me afterwards that “thank goodness it’s always your mother’s car” might not be considered a ‘good husband” thing to say…

So here’s to all the good fathers out there who work hard, provide for and love their kids to death.

As Bill Cosby famously said (and my father repeatedly retells): I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it too.

Happy Daddy’s Day!