Why I don’t want children and other false confessions

Awww look at the baby! (not mine, promise!)

Not now but maybe one day if by accident. I’ve got too much to do first to saddle myself with a few missteps children.  Sure these eggs are getting older and fewer and far between but as I sit down to visualize my life with one, or two, or gawd forbid four beautiful young things, an unsettled, unfinished feeling weighs down on my chest and normal breathing becomes a struggle. Realization: In order to have offspring and let them live their lives, I have to live mine first and I’m certainly not done with it yet.

Plus I love the idea of adoption. Adopting 5, 6 and 7 year olds and bypassing those diaper-ridden, work filled early years.  You can adopt at any time too and it still equals all of the joy, none of the ripped uterus/cracked pelvis reality. A win followed by another win followed by raising kids for the rest of their (your) life.

Hold on

Yes, it might be that my guy fella wants babies and if that were the case then I would absolutely consider it should his desire be so great. To unilaterally decide not to have kids is both selfish and unrealistic.  I would feel the same meeting a guy fella who says ‘10 kids or nothing’ to ‘No kids but travelling’. These are decisions you make together and definitely not alone.

You owe me

Plus I would feel a little indebted to him as the preacher announces Mr John  Smith and Mrs First Name first and keeping my Last Name na na na na boo boo to you.

You see, I’ve had this name for 20+ years and I’ve only had him for quite a few less so unless his last name is Rockerfeller or Rocafella, I’m keeping mine until the end of time. Now, if he persists I take his last name then I’ll insist he take my first, or even my middle one in exchange. As is my nature, I’d at least give him some options.

To be real though, if my guy’s telling me what to do, then he’ll soon be somebody else’s guy. I love and welcome suggestions but I detest and reject orders. If you want to order me around, I had better be wearing an apron and yielding a pad of paper and a pen and calling you ‘sir.  And should it come to that, I implore you to please take a quick glance out your window in search of the flying swine I guarantee to be present.

But in the meantime, me popping out babies?

.

.

Not on my watch.

–photo source

The End is Nigh!

Well the end of the year is nigh, at least.  So nigh, in fact, it’s pretty much here already. By the time you read this line, there will be less than 2 weeks till the ball drops for 2011. Rather than dropping the ball and waiting for Jan 1, 2011 myself (how passé!) I want to be the first to drop my 2010 Retrospective highlighting one top  post from each month. So without further adieu, I present to you:

2010: A 2010 Retrospective looking back at a year of blogging in 2010. Retrospectively.

January 2010: Why should polar bears have all the fun?

Tempting fate and Mother Nature by taking an ice cold dip in the Pacific Ocean. If you think a person has to be mad to do it – you’re just about right on that. The madder the better.

Would I do it again? I guess you`ll find out in less than 2 weeks…

February 2010: Please, oh please, won’t you be my anti-valentine?

Inspired by love and all its BS, as well as this hilarious antivalentine’s day card courtesy of www.Meish.org/vd:

 

March 2010: End Game

Olympic Fever hit me as early as January and I had several posts on the Olympics over a 2 month period culminating in this final, sad entry. Olymmmmmpicsssss! Those who lived it just know. Those who didn’t could be better off not feeling the loss of a time when the city of Vancouver was engulfed, enthralled and enchanted by all that was and might never be again. Sigh. So as you can tell it’s a fun, uplifting post. 😉

April 2010: Supporting the Arts

Oh Septocus! How I wanted this great performance art piece to be bad. I’ve never been so happy to be disappointed in my life. (Contrarily, I really wanted this performance art to be good and it was…not that)

 

May 2010: I’ve got your future right here

I paid $40 to be told the equivalent of what I could have discovered using a Magic 8-ball. Thinking of getting your palm read and your crystals analyzed? Simply remove my name in this post and paste in yours. Bam! I just saved you $40.

June 2010: Love thy Father

My heartfelt salute to my most favouritest man in the world – Daddykins! Interestingly enough, he doesn’t read my blog – the bastard! 😉 Xoxo!

July 2010: Festivus of Beer

Ah yes, an alcoholic’s dream come true… Assuming the alcoholic liked beer. Unfortunately I don’t. Read on for the details of this living nightmare.

August 2010: Pie Times

22 pies to taste and one spork with which to do it. As any 12-year-old girl with an eating disorder would say: OMG. Get a napkin ready and read on about the best day of my life!

Pies as far as the eye can see! Wheeee!

September 2010: Peaceful Anarchy

Cycling for hours just for the hell of it. If we cause a little anarchy while we’re at it, so be it.

October 2010: The Grouse Grind®

Took on this bitch and it kicked my arse. Twice! Argh! I don’t take defeat very well. I’ll see you again in the spring, you sanctimonious whore! If you don`t know what the grouse grind is, count yourself lucky. And probably lazy. Yah you heard me. Take the challenge! 

November 2010: Wedding Fever

I finally learned about the fun in marriage Weddings! The glam; the photographers; the planning; the fun; the cake (oh my, the cake!); the party; the gifts; and the most important part of that day – the open bar! Marriages do not = weddings.  A wedding is the drug: an ecstasy pill coated in butter cream frosting, served with free flowing champagne.   Marriage is what comes after the drug fuelled, champagne high. Like the hangover if you will. heh heh heh. Hey, there’s always the simple cure (divorce) and then you can have another wedding, woo!

December 2010:

What? A 2010 retrospective looking back at a favourite blog from each month in 2010? What a great idea. 😉

Is this considered a paradox thingy?  Nope. Apparently it’s called Recursion. Learning is fun! (except when it isn’t)

December 2010 (the real one): `tis the season (pt II)

Get in the spirit with this handy guide that should motivate you to get off your couch!… or stay on it. I have tips for you lazy folks too. And yes, you’re welcome.

The Nigh at the End

There you have it. A non-comprehensive 2010 retrospective on the year 2010 (a retrospective).

What’s next for 2011? What’s next on the agenda? What will happen over the next 12 months? What predictions or speculations are on the horizon for the coming year? I haven’t a clue but after seeing that fortune teller back in May 2010, I do know one thing for sure:

Neither does she.

I’ve got your future right here

Decisions, decisions, decisions.  So many to make and no way to know which ones are right. Not in advance at least. Sure, you can seek out expert guidance from life coaches, financial planners, money advisors, business professionals and career counselors but that can take weeks, months, years even to determine the right course of action for you. However, there is one type of person out there who has the knowledge, the insight, the foresight and even the hindsight to answer all your queries, lead you in the right direction and put you on the right path. Want to know the answer to life’s most important questions? For a price, you can get all the answers you’ve ever wanted, and more. And one lazy Saturday afternoon, that’s just what I did.

With an overly excited friend in tow (calm down!), we ventured out into the dark, seedy and scary underworld of Fortune Telling.  Turns out, it’s not so seedy or scary. Forget dark, and insert mundane as that would be the best description for the  little shop that was badly decorated in beige carpet, broken white tiles and fake wood paneled walls. The visions I’d had of heavy purple drapes and gold speckled curtains and crystal balls everywhere were quickly pushed aside by the reality of the small, old fashioned TV in the corner playing a CNN broadcast (from the future??).

We called him Ol' Nozzy for short

Going into this with an open mind we try to open the front door…only to find it locked. Hmmmm. I definitely didn’t see that coming but I guess I’m not the psychic. Calling the number on the door, we learn our Shamans were going to be 5 minutes late. (I’ll let you insert your own jokes here about how she should have known we’d be there on time) 15 minutes later they show up. My friend’s oracle was a pretty girl but otherwise ordinary looking whereas my Seer was the coolest one ever. Short spikey hair, a  raspy voice, a Romanian accent and scars of unknown origin on her face, neck and chest which just added to the mystery and to her mystic aura. Furthermore, Fortune Telling has been in her family for generations and she’s been reading people for over 25 years. Even her daughter runs a fortune telling business in another city. Fortune telling runs in their veins and is a huge part of their lives – Ya, ya, ya. Enough about you, Nostradamus. Let’s get to me already.

Leading me behind a shroud of curtains, I’m told to sit down in a back room and am immediately handed a crystal. She tells me to hold it and think of a question that I want answered. I immediately think about caramilk and the mystery of the smooth flowing caramel and snap at myself to focus. I try to pinpoint my thoughts on career and writing, career and writing, career and writing, caramilk (dammit!), career and writing.  After a few more moments, she removes the crystal from my clenched fist and my experience begins:

Crystal Reading: done to evaluate the life cycles, and how you are directly affected by what is happening to you now, what has happened in the past and what is to come in the future. (http://www.spiritedboutique.com/?p=208)

Crystal Reading/Psychic Facial Determination:

  • I’m a good person (hmmm. Define ‘good’…)
  • I try to do nice things (Ha! Wrong again)
  • I’m lonely and hurting on the inside (Whoa! Hey!)
  • I have very few close relationships and hold people back (Well now she’s just being hurtful. Wah!)

Palm reading (aka Chiromancy) consists of the practice of evaluating a person’s character or future life by “reading” the palm of that person’s hand. Various “lines” (“heart line”, “life line”, etc.) purportedly suggest interpretations by their relative sizes, qualities, and intersections. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palmistry

Palm Reading:

  • She saw I had a long life line
  • A few obstacles in my past and a few to come in the future
  • I’m an independent female
  • She saw marriage in my future and 2 kids (Dammit. Oh well. At least this should make my mother happy)

Think you can read me better? Try it for yourself!

Tarot Cards: the deck represents all phenomenal experience, the wheel of life. Tarot reading revolves around the belief that the cards can be used to gain insight into the current and possible future situations of the subject. http://healing.about.com/cs/uc_directory/a/uc_readtarot.htm

Tarot Reading

Love life:

  • I had a bad breakup in the past (bad for him maybe but not for me. Hee hee hee)
  • …And there is still some connection or negativity there  (Aw man. I don’t have room for a stalker right now)
  • My love life is cursed (Sheesh. I think you have to actually HAVE a love life in order for it to be cursed…ohhhhh)
  • I had a devil card in my mix, which requires one-on-one meditation with the psychic at a future date (and at an additional cost of course). She will light candles on my behalf and try to determine what is causing troubles in my love life and then we should meet again to put me on the right path to clarity (hmmmm…)
  • I will find love in the next 3 to 6 months (with the devil maybe? Check if he’s free to date since he’s leaving his card for me everywhere)
  • I’ll find true love in the next 3 to 6 months but not in Vancouver (in Paris then? Packing a bag!)

Life:

  • A change in my life in the next 3 to 6 months
  • She foresaw a big move in the next few months that will be good for me (Okay finally a good one. My friends & I were discussing a move to Australia in the fall)
  • I find it hard to save money (No. It’s just hard not to spend it. Totally different)
  • Or at least hard to save as much money as I would like to (true of most people)

Career:

  • You don’t like to be told what to do or how to act (insert your own skeptical ‘duh’ face here)
  • You want to be your own boss (Damn right!)
  • I see creativity around you and in your future (Woo hoo!)
  • There will be change in profession and this change will be good for me
  • I will always have money in my life (Yes, but how much. I need dollar amounts here lady!)

Conclusion: inconclusive. To believe some of it, I have to believe all of it. Open mind or not, these generalized statements and lucky guesses aren’t enough to make me a supporter. For fun (and $40), it was definitely nice to be assured of some things that I wanted to know about. However, always needing a second source (makes it more legit), I went to my dear friend the Internet for some additional guidance.

Caution: When it comes to psychic phenomena, the Internet is the Worst. Friend. Ever.

With a million+ websites out there offering you guidance and readings for prices as low as $0.99/minute, a simple 30 minute reading can easily get out of hand and repeated visits can get out of budget.

One site even uses the trick where they ask you to focus on one card and one card only and then the site refreshes and they change ALL the cards (unbeknownst to some users) to demonstrate to the poor believer that their  ‘online psychic connection’ has been established. Humph! http://www.onlinepsychic.com/main/m_testread_c1.shtml

Still, I needed some more answers and as luck would have it, I came across a legitimate looking site offering free crystal ball readings. Just pop in your yes/no question and the all-knowing crystal ball will tell all. After learning that I was more than likely a princess in a previous life; the favourable possibility exists for me to marry a millionaire; and the chances are probable that I will travel to the moon; I had to ask the Great Crystal Ball one last question:

Aha! Close you indeed.

Question mark source

Nostradamus image source

Climbing, on the rocks

Challenge: Climb 48 flights (or 739 steps). Straight up. All in support of research for the BC Lung Association and their 9th annual Climb the Wall: The Stairclimb for Clean Air fundraiser at the Sheraton Vancouver Wall Centre Hotel.

Challenge Accepted: Before signing up, I prepared myself by going to the gym and using the ‘ol StairMaster. 10 minutes of ‘training’ later, feeling strong and confident and ready for any challenge, I signed up assuming this was all the training I needed.  I would soon find out that I was so very, very wrong.

Climb me!

The night before the event, I planned to do some yoga stretches, have a large salad with a side of pasta for dinner (carbo- loading), drink plenty of water and then get to bed early. With healthy plans made, I imagined nothing would get in the way. After all, no one will want to go out on a rainy Saturday night anyway, right?

Wrong.

The best laid plans…

I received the invite via text at 5pm that evening -the day before the climb. I tried to ignore it but it was followed by a reminder invite via text just after 8pm. A fun friend we hadn’t seen in awhile was back in town and it felt like a one night only thing. Especially when my friend said it could be – for one night only. I didn’t need much convincing and gathered round the usual suspects and headed downtown. As we trekked downtown, I told my fellow party people “As long as you make sure I’m home by 12:30 1AM, I’ll be fine.”

1AM: You can’t leave yet. Have another gin and tonic…

1:30AM: Cheers everyone! Tequila shots for all…

2AM: Lemon drop shots are more lemon and ice than vodka anyway…

2:15AM: Hey, weren’t you supposed to be asleep by now?

Home at the crack of 2:45AM, I intelligently reset my alarm from 8:35AM to 8:45AM. There. That should do it.

The longest morning of my life

Sundays are sacred. Yes for Him of course, but mainly I’m talking about me. Well, Sunday mornings are sacred at least. It’s the last day before the workweek begins that I get to sleep in. Getting up before noon is ridiculous; before 11AM is crazy and before 9AM should be considered a sin (and I like to think that He would agree).  After dragging myself out of bed then tossing myself into a cold shower, I haphazardly pack a bag and head out, wondering what I was thinking and why I’m even doing this in the first place…

FIREFIGHTERS

Grammatically speaking, I really don’t need to bold and capitalize the word FIREFIGHTERS. However, after meeting a menage of them in person I realize now that there’s definitely a physical need to emphasize the word FIREFIGHTERS. I’ve seen them on TV and in the movies but I have never really seen or paid attention to them in person. Consider me a newfound fan. Captain of the fan club in fact.

I arrived at the event just after the first few FIREFIGHTERS had finished their heats. This was in perfect time to see them strip out of their heavy firefighter jackets to reveal wonderfully formfitting, dark blue firefighter shirts and tanks. I slowed my pace and watched as their shirts stretched across their broad shoulders and bulging biceps. I came to a dead stop as some removed their sweat soaked tanks to expose their glistening chests and well-defined abdominal muscles…

Ooof. Where was I now?

Oh yes! I now see why FIREFIGHTERS support the BC Lung Association because they definitely took my breath away. Ha ha ha. (Promise: next time I’ll warn you when there’s a bad joke ahead)

Registration taken care of and my free shirt & climber # in hand, I met up with some of my teammates. Immediately, I noticed the many firefighters in the area.  6 foot plus, broad shouldered, dark haired and gorgeous, I’m forever grateful to my outgoing friend for getting the attention of these nearby specimens and beginning a conversation with these 2 gorgeous lads.

She estimated their ages to be around 20 to 25 years old. I simply estimated their ages to be ‘old enough’. Swooning, I ask their take on the stair challenge versus the StairMaster. Handsome #1 replies: Completely different. Handsome # 2 chimes in: It doesn’t prepare you for this stair climb at all.

Gulp.

2 days of training out the window. My heart starts to beat rapidly in my chest.  Partially from staring at that droplet of sweat on Handsome #2’s neck that I want to wipe off (with my body) but mainly from the challenge ahead.

An average of 8 minutes, the BC Lung Associations’ website claimed, is how long it will take most people to do the climb. My very fit firefighting future husband and his buddy (the best man, perhaps?) took just over 9 minutes to do it. My friends estimate their times will be in the 20 to 25-minute range. I’m still clinging (probably falsely) to that average of 8 minutes because 15 minutes of climbing straight up sounds as appealing as taking my eyes off these 2 lovely firefighters (can I help you wipe the sweat off your abs, sir?)

Let’s get to it

With the warm-up and stretches complete, there’s nowhere left to go but up. As my turn at the stairwell approaches, I’m given the green light to go.

Step 1 (48 flights to go): Cheers and hoots and hollers and it’s all for me! I think to myself as I sprint down the hallway and up the stairs, “I can do this, woo!”.

Flight 4 (44 flights to go): Only a few seconds in and I’m out of breath already. Uh oh. Maybe that last gin and tonic wasn’t the best idea…

Flight 8 (40 flights to go): I catch up to my friends and slowly slip past them. They’re engaging in the slow and steady pace method whereas I’m employing the ‘go as fast as you can before your body realizes what’s going on and slows you down’ method. In a scientific study, both methods proved to be equally effective.

Flight 16 (33 flights to go): An un-amused teenager in a monotone tells me I can do it and wishes me luck. For some reason, I don’t feel her sincerity.

Flight 21 (How many damn flights are left?!): I have long since stopped sprinting. The walls are closing in on me. And I never knew I could breathe so loudly. Is it really only me breathing this heavy in here?

Flight 28 (20 fricking flights to go): the sound of my own breath now annoys me. And those cheering morons at every flight are starting to tick me off with their canned hurrah’s and phony encouragement. Just so you know – “Only 20 flights to go!” is NOT encouragement when your thighs only have 18 flights left in ‘em.

Flight 34 (too many #$& flights left): I seriously look at the exit door to the right and consider it for a second. Then I remember the sign at flight 20 or so that states: “Only losers take elevators!” or something along those lines.

Flight 43: A large sign announces: “Only 5 flights to go!” I want to take that sign and shove it down the throat of whoever had the balls to make it. I bet you he never walked up 739 #$& flights of #$& stairs.

Flight 48 (0 flights to go):  What? I’m here? I’m alive!? Oh yay! Thank goodness. I hug the cheering darlings and take their proffered cups of lukewarm water (I assume the bringer of ice has to take the stairs…) Strangers in the recovery break room hi- five and congratulate each other on a job well done. The room smells as well as you’d think a room that’s had 400 sweaty people passing through it would. Then add 100+ more.

They send us down via the elevator back to the main area where we’re met by a feast of fresh fruit, pastries, bagels, cupcakes, coffees and teas and lots of water to help us recover. A wonderful event made even better by the continued presence of many FIREFIGHTERS to congratulate us and thank us for our efforts (no mister firefighter sir, thank you). The organizers continue to applaud us and announce our times will be posted later that day and/or on the website the next day. After stretching, getting some coffee and noshing on a bagel or 6, we pat ourselves on the back, take one last long, long look at any remaining firemen and get ready to head out.

So after going out the night before, going the distance the day of the event, going for it all by going to the top, I definitely know what I’m going to do when I get home…

I’m going to take a nap.

Oh and my official TIME to climb 48 flights of stairs or 739 steps: 31st place (out of 235 women), coming in @ 8 minutes and 13 seconds, woo! However, I swear it felt like an eternity so I assume they rounded down.

Please, oh please, won’t you be my anti-valentine?

  • Milk chocolates in heart shaped boxes

    Don't mind if I do

  • Crayola crayons
  • Colouring books
  • Heart shaped pancakes
  • Sliced strawberries
  • Pink and red heart shaped jujubes
  • Silver heart necklaces
  • Pink and red flowers
  • Cards filled with love
  • Pink skipping ropes
  • and piles and piles of red cinnamon hearts

No, this isn’t a list compiled of gifts from lovers past (heck, it’s too dang short!). Instead, it’s a list of the fun stuff I remember waking up to every February 14th growing up.

At a young age, I equated Christmas to Valentine’s Day. Had someone suggested I write a letter to St Cupid, I might have done it. Those letters would certainly be different today: Dear cupid, I’ve been good (well good enough) this year. Please send me Morris Chestnut in boxer briefs. If he’s busy, then please send Antonio Sabato Jr…. sans briefs. Thank you.

My warm, fuzzy memories of February 14ths past are mostly good, warm, fuzzy ones. That’s what Valentine’s Day (hereby known as the ‘Day of Love’) means to me – gifts, goodies, hugs and smiles.

This is also why I never understood or got into the Anti-Valentine’s Day movement.

How can you be against a day meant for hearts and kisses and love and chocolates? Add alcohol to that equation and I’ll heart you for life.  Sure it’s commercialized to the max but so is Momma’s day and Poppa’s day and there’s no anti movement for those.

These anti Day of Love folks are wrong. Years of listening to their propaganda has never affected me or dampened my love-loving spirit. Even after a few failed Days of Love of my own (I loved, they failed) I’ve always been happy to believe that:

Life with love is grand!

Crushes are wonderful!

Everything’s great when love is in the air!

So happy was I to blindly believe it all. That is, up until today.

The set up

Who needs tall, good looking, highly educated and motivated men anyways, right? RIGHT?? What are the rules involved in this love thing anyway? I’m strong willed and independent, darn it. So if I like a guy, it should be okay to tell him that, right? Especially if I want to. Especially, especially if he tells you first. I want to text him and yell at him via text:

Sample Text: HEY! REMEMBER ME?!

The back story

I have, count em. 1,2, 3, THREE boys (men, blah, whatever) that I could call up right now and tell them to take me out for Valentines Day (hereby known as ‘that Day to Loathe’) and they would. I’m a strong willed, independent female and thus take what I want and leave back what I don’t (for examples, see boys 1 thru 3). Yet, of course, it’s boy #4 that I want. I probably want him more too because he’s completely ignoring me.

Sample text: STOP IGNORING ME!

Damn him for being so gorgeous. Argh. I’ve never liked pretty boys and with good reason too.   Tall, pretty ones with hard bodies, sinewy muscles, and deep dark eyes that you can just sink into, in particular. Those are the ones to watch out for. Add to that  – great looking mouths and amazing lips. The kind you just want to kiss for a long, long time.  Sigh.

Yah, who needs all THAT?  Not me I tells ya. I don’t need it at all.  NOT ME!

Sample text: I NEED YOU. CALL ME!

Sure boys 1 thru 3 range from beer goggles good looking to actually good looking but personality is key for me. Your personality is what shines thru and makes you amazing. I would happily take a bubbly Jack Black over a surly Brad Pitt any day. (Disclaimer: This assumes that Brad Pitt is surly, which he is not. This is just in case Brad is reading this. Brad, if you’re reading this and recently single – call me.) So if our personalities don’t mesh well (this means you bore me and fail to amuse me on any level) then there’s no future for us as anything (it’s definitely not me, it’s soooo you).

Which brings us to today

Perfectly timed, while searching once again thru life’s new testament (aka the Internet), I came across uncalled-for advice by way of the release of a new book titled Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.  In it, the author advices how to find one really good, but imperfect, partner and to build up his equity (read: change him) over the years to match your ideal.  This inspired me to do a quick online search of “Are your standards too high?” Turns out most people’s standards actually are unreasonably higher than should be expected.

My (revised) ideal guy:

  1. I guess he doesn’t have to be tall
  2. Good looking? To each his own and in the eye of the beerholder and all that. Uniqueness reigns supreme.
  3. I can certainly bend the rules on physically fit. More to love, right?
  4. I never said rich but being successful or good at something would be nice. I guess just wanting to be good at something would work
  5. Funny? Good sense of humour? I can be funny enough for the two of us (Hope you like sarcasm…No, that wasn’t meant to be sarcastic)
  6. Adventurous? Adventure could equal danger. Perhaps it’s best that he stays home and in one spot.

In review

Looks like what I should be searching for in my ideal starter guy is an unfunny, unsuccessful, ugly, short, fat wannabe who’s good at nothing. Hmmmm. I do love a challenge so this is certainly tempting but to be honest I would have to say that if this is the case then forget it.

I’d rather be single.

Image sources:

bite me
Valentine’s Day sucks
Leave the psycho
VD Card

How to pick up guys and other inanimate objects

Being single definitely kicks ass sometimes.  It’s fun to do what you want whenever you want and just because you want to do it.  Just to be clear: I’m not putting down boyfriends, fiancés, lovers and/or husbands because they’re great sometimes too. And I should know, I was just dating someone’s fiancé last week- and they were great! (Just kidding)

Bottom line: I enjoy being single right now.

After all, my ‘About Me’ section says I’m ‘fun-loving’ and can you still be ‘fun-loving’ if you’re in a relationship? I mean a serious relationship too. Not those relationships you have just to get your rent/mortgage paid and meals bought/made. Those are definitely good relationships (I highly recommend) but by no means are they serious. In fact, the only places I’ve seen ‘fun-loving’ used to describe a couple is when they try to describe themselves (inaccurate) or when they post online to find another ‘fun loving’ couple to join them (inappropriate).

Enter my future life partner. I always assumed fate and God’s universal plan would work their magic and I had no intention of intervening with that. However, this past Saturday I was told the worst possible news that a single, beautifully aging, childless daughter can hear from her loving, beautifully aging, defeated parents:

“Hi sweetie, good to hear from you too. Oh and by the way, we’re spending your inheritance.”

Eeeeep! They’ve given up on me finding ‘the one’ and have instead decided to improve ‘the one’ house they own. My wedding fund has been turned into new flooring in the front hallway, kitchen, and living room; new cabinets in the kitchen and an updated fully functional main floor bathroom. Funds that would’ve been invested in the future education of my offspring (their grandchildren) has instead been invested in the 42″ LCD flat screen TV in the family room and a new, state-of-the-art, silent dishwasher in the kitchen. Hopefully in the future you can pay for University fees with DVDs and clean China.

Spurred into action, I realize I have very little time to secure old what’s-his-face (aka the love of my life) in time to cash in. Cruise season in hotter climates is fast approaching and Canada’s  only getting colder by the second. This needs to be resolved ASAP before visions of 5-star getaways start dancing in their heads.  This is motivation like no other to find that special starter marriage guy.

To be quite honest (and as I’ve mentioned before I HAVE to be), as a single, fun loving female, I really don’t see myself as an expert in this area. I date regularly and have a great group of guy/girl friends with whom I have a ton of fun. Some of my girlfriends think that I know the tricks and tips to this and have routinely asked me how to meet guys and to share with them all I know. I always laugh it off and run down my top 5:

  1. Smile – Surprisingly, many people don’t do this.
  2. Be happy – It’s a state of mind.
  3. Love and respect yourself – Trust this, it shows.
  4. Watch your posture – Crossed arms, slouching, hands on hips, clenched fists?? Like c’mon. Unless you’re a surly teen, get over this.
  5. Showcase your assets – everyone has ‘em: Great smile? Beautiful eyes? Long legs? Show. Them. Off.

What’s that? Don’t think a single gal knows what she’s talking ‘bout Willis? Hey, I’ve rejected 3 serious wedding proposals in my lifetime (4 if I count the cab driver I met in Estonia this past summer and I dooooo!). True, this might not make me an expert in this area and might just mean I’m either overly picky and/or the guys who asked weren’t picky enough, lol!

Jokes aside, this mission (Operation: Love(?)/Marry/Collect) is very serious and I’ll need to bring in the big guns on this one. Turning to God’s newest testament, the Internet, I’ve narrowed down the search to four possible quick-fix Saviors:

#1. eHarmony.com

eh-logo

 

We’ve all seen the ads. Whether you want to believe it or not- gorgeous, TV-ready people need help finding love too.

 

TAG LINE: ‘Fall in love for all the right reasons’

WHY THEM: Large database of potential love matches. They claim a high rate of long-term relationship success because ‘you’re matched based on 29 Dimensions® of compatibility that are crucial for relationship success.’

PRO: eHarmony does the matching for you and sends the info directly to you, using their 29 Dimensions® of compatibility test.

CON: None of those dimensions include ‘good looking’ or ‘has all his teeth’. Personalities only and some of us are shallow. Plus you can only view whomever eHarmony says is for you.  No peaking at anyone else (I wanna  have what she’s having).

My Thoughts: I’m curious myself to see what these dimensions are and who I’d be paired with. I wonder if you can even parlay this to all relationships – office mates, friends, family, etc. Imagine using these compatibility tests with your coworkers or siblings. That would certainly shake up office life/family dinners.

 

#2. EventsAndAdventures.comevents_and_adventures_logo

The idea is to get out there and meet new people in a fun, exciting environment. Takes people out of their everyday and into something new.

TAG LINE: ‘In order to meet someone interesting, you have to do something interesting.’

WHY THEM:  ‘Each event is designed so that people with common interests can get together in a relaxed environment to socialize and have fun’

PRO: Cool! Wow! Fun times. Skiing, horseback riding, kayaking, rock climbing, oh my!

CONs: Can you wear heels, full makeup and a skirt for the rock climbing part? It might be hard to impress when you can’t dress to impress. No personality tests or bios to browse.  You have to ask the person all those questions right to their face.

My Thoughts: Cool! Wow! Fun times! My desire to participate in these fun activities may outweigh my desire to actually meet Mr. Right. Where are the horsies??? I wanna ride one now!

#3. PlentyOfFish.com

plenty of fishTAG LINE: Uhh…there are ‘plenty of fish’ out there.  Go get one.

WHY THEM: It’s a free service that puts the power of finding your ‘one and only’ in your hands. You do the searching, you do the messaging, you do it all. Ranks as high as paid sites in many areas.

PRO: You can view info on whomever you want, wherever they are.

CON: It’s a free site. Its also well known that you typically get what you pay for…

My thoughts: The website doesn’t strike me as professional. It looks like some college kid in his parent’s basement designed it. (Hey, turns out that it was a college kid!)

#4. Match.com

matchdotcom

TAGLINE: Find love. Guaranteed.

WHY THEM: ‘With the click of a mouse, members can instantly see photos and read about potential matches in their area.’ Full profiles and up to 26 photos per profile for a full view and better understanding of your potential new mate.

PRO: They guarantee true love in 6 months. How perfect is that? My Wedding will be scheduled for right after the 2010 Olympics.

CON: If you don’t find true love in 6 months, you get 6 MORE months for free. Hey, wait a minute…

My thoughts: The ‘guarantee’ alone has me backing away.

 

So there you have it. My future husband is somewhere out there in cyberspace waiting for me.  With all the never ending options, I’m almost tempted to go the old fashioned route: wearing a sign on the street that says ‘Will marry for $$$’. It’s one way to guarantee that we at least have one dimension in common – greed.

Oh and in regards to picking up other inanimate objects, similarly and depending on size- you just need to make sure you bend at the knees and keep your back straight.

 

 

Now, help me choose:

Operation: Love(?)/Marry/Collect