How to pick up guys and other inanimate objects

Being single definitely kicks ass sometimes.  It’s fun to do what you want whenever you want and just because you want to do it.  Just to be clear: I’m not putting down boyfriends, fiancés, lovers and/or husbands because they’re great sometimes too. And I should know, I was just dating someone’s fiancé last week- and they were great! (Just kidding)

Bottom line: I enjoy being single right now.

After all, my ‘About Me’ section says I’m ‘fun-loving’ and can you still be ‘fun-loving’ if you’re in a relationship? I mean a serious relationship too. Not those relationships you have just to get your rent/mortgage paid and meals bought/made. Those are definitely good relationships (I highly recommend) but by no means are they serious. In fact, the only places I’ve seen ‘fun-loving’ used to describe a couple is when they try to describe themselves (inaccurate) or when they post online to find another ‘fun loving’ couple to join them (inappropriate).

Enter my future life partner. I always assumed fate and God’s universal plan would work their magic and I had no intention of intervening with that. However, this past Saturday I was told the worst possible news that a single, beautifully aging, childless daughter can hear from her loving, beautifully aging, defeated parents:

“Hi sweetie, good to hear from you too. Oh and by the way, we’re spending your inheritance.”

Eeeeep! They’ve given up on me finding ‘the one’ and have instead decided to improve ‘the one’ house they own. My wedding fund has been turned into new flooring in the front hallway, kitchen, and living room; new cabinets in the kitchen and an updated fully functional main floor bathroom. Funds that would’ve been invested in the future education of my offspring (their grandchildren) has instead been invested in the 42″ LCD flat screen TV in the family room and a new, state-of-the-art, silent dishwasher in the kitchen. Hopefully in the future you can pay for University fees with DVDs and clean China.

Spurred into action, I realize I have very little time to secure old what’s-his-face (aka the love of my life) in time to cash in. Cruise season in hotter climates is fast approaching and Canada’s  only getting colder by the second. This needs to be resolved ASAP before visions of 5-star getaways start dancing in their heads.  This is motivation like no other to find that special starter marriage guy.

To be quite honest (and as I’ve mentioned before I HAVE to be), as a single, fun loving female, I really don’t see myself as an expert in this area. I date regularly and have a great group of guy/girl friends with whom I have a ton of fun. Some of my girlfriends think that I know the tricks and tips to this and have routinely asked me how to meet guys and to share with them all I know. I always laugh it off and run down my top 5:

  1. Smile – Surprisingly, many people don’t do this.
  2. Be happy – It’s a state of mind.
  3. Love and respect yourself – Trust this, it shows.
  4. Watch your posture – Crossed arms, slouching, hands on hips, clenched fists?? Like c’mon. Unless you’re a surly teen, get over this.
  5. Showcase your assets – everyone has ‘em: Great smile? Beautiful eyes? Long legs? Show. Them. Off.

What’s that? Don’t think a single gal knows what she’s talking ‘bout Willis? Hey, I’ve rejected 3 serious wedding proposals in my lifetime (4 if I count the cab driver I met in Estonia this past summer and I dooooo!). True, this might not make me an expert in this area and might just mean I’m either overly picky and/or the guys who asked weren’t picky enough, lol!

Jokes aside, this mission (Operation: Love(?)/Marry/Collect) is very serious and I’ll need to bring in the big guns on this one. Turning to God’s newest testament, the Internet, I’ve narrowed down the search to four possible quick-fix Saviors:




We’ve all seen the ads. Whether you want to believe it or not- gorgeous, TV-ready people need help finding love too.


TAG LINE: ‘Fall in love for all the right reasons’

WHY THEM: Large database of potential love matches. They claim a high rate of long-term relationship success because ‘you’re matched based on 29 Dimensions® of compatibility that are crucial for relationship success.’

PRO: eHarmony does the matching for you and sends the info directly to you, using their 29 Dimensions® of compatibility test.

CON: None of those dimensions include ‘good looking’ or ‘has all his teeth’. Personalities only and some of us are shallow. Plus you can only view whomever eHarmony says is for you.  No peaking at anyone else (I wanna  have what she’s having).

My Thoughts: I’m curious myself to see what these dimensions are and who I’d be paired with. I wonder if you can even parlay this to all relationships – office mates, friends, family, etc. Imagine using these compatibility tests with your coworkers or siblings. That would certainly shake up office life/family dinners.


#2. EventsAndAdventures.comevents_and_adventures_logo

The idea is to get out there and meet new people in a fun, exciting environment. Takes people out of their everyday and into something new.

TAG LINE: ‘In order to meet someone interesting, you have to do something interesting.’

WHY THEM:  ‘Each event is designed so that people with common interests can get together in a relaxed environment to socialize and have fun’

PRO: Cool! Wow! Fun times. Skiing, horseback riding, kayaking, rock climbing, oh my!

CONs: Can you wear heels, full makeup and a skirt for the rock climbing part? It might be hard to impress when you can’t dress to impress. No personality tests or bios to browse.  You have to ask the person all those questions right to their face.

My Thoughts: Cool! Wow! Fun times! My desire to participate in these fun activities may outweigh my desire to actually meet Mr. Right. Where are the horsies??? I wanna ride one now!


plenty of fishTAG LINE: Uhh…there are ‘plenty of fish’ out there.  Go get one.

WHY THEM: It’s a free service that puts the power of finding your ‘one and only’ in your hands. You do the searching, you do the messaging, you do it all. Ranks as high as paid sites in many areas.

PRO: You can view info on whomever you want, wherever they are.

CON: It’s a free site. Its also well known that you typically get what you pay for…

My thoughts: The website doesn’t strike me as professional. It looks like some college kid in his parent’s basement designed it. (Hey, turns out that it was a college kid!)



TAGLINE: Find love. Guaranteed.

WHY THEM: ‘With the click of a mouse, members can instantly see photos and read about potential matches in their area.’ Full profiles and up to 26 photos per profile for a full view and better understanding of your potential new mate.

PRO: They guarantee true love in 6 months. How perfect is that? My Wedding will be scheduled for right after the 2010 Olympics.

CON: If you don’t find true love in 6 months, you get 6 MORE months for free. Hey, wait a minute…

My thoughts: The ‘guarantee’ alone has me backing away.


So there you have it. My future husband is somewhere out there in cyberspace waiting for me.  With all the never ending options, I’m almost tempted to go the old fashioned route: wearing a sign on the street that says ‘Will marry for $$$’. It’s one way to guarantee that we at least have one dimension in common – greed.

Oh and in regards to picking up other inanimate objects, similarly and depending on size- you just need to make sure you bend at the knees and keep your back straight.



Now, help me choose:

Operation: Love(?)/Marry/Collect


For the Love of Food

April 2010 from NelleyTimes: Want a chance to win free money for a few minutes of your time? Go here and let me know what you think. Thanks friend!


He said: Hey, do you wanna go for a walk sometime?? chickenwings
Me said: Yeah sure…I guess so…

He said: Ok, what about a movie instead?
Me said: Hmmm okay, we could maybe do that…

He said: Alright, what about for dinner. Do you like chicken wings? We could go out for some beer and some wings?
Me said: Should we go now? I can drive if you don’t have a car. What did you say your name was again? No time now to answer, you can tell it to me on the way! Hop in, let’s go!

I. Love. Guys. Not for their strength, not for their character, not for the way their broad shoulders fill out sports jerseys, not even for the way they fill out a great pair of jeans. Nope. What I love most about guys is what they eat. And the way they eat. And especially how much they eat. Even now my heart flutters just thinking about all the foods I can nibble off their plates: mounds of nachos with melted cheese, gravy covered french fries, greasy meatball subs and baby back ribs covered in a sweet, sweet BBQ sauce. Mmmmmm.

Guys are never on diets. Well at least not the ones I date. Mine stay relatively fit either at the gym, staying active with friends or more commonly by some cruel cosmic joke in which they can eat what they want and not gain weight. They have guy’s bodies and they love ‘em and I love ‘em for it. I also admire their inherent confidence and their ability to wear loose clothing all year round as per the wardrobe society has allotted to them which, when worn properly, is never skin tight. You can hide a lot of extra meat under a guy’s wardrobe.

Of course I love my girlfriends as well but all too often what and where we eat is determined by who’s currently on which fad diet and how much they ate the previous day/week/month or in seventh grade (baby fat has no expiry date). I also recognize that I’m especially guilty of this. For example, save for a special occasion, there’s no way I’d go out for a big meal within the week after Thanksgiving dinner. That’s a Dieting 101 no-no. Plus it’s just plain crazy! However, I do love my girls because I can eat a large salad for dinner with them  and they’d understand why I’m not also having a Porterhouse steak on the side.

This gender separation is even more evident when you look at products marketed to each. Men’s magazine Maxim routinely features articles such as Best Stadium Food, posts recipes on how to make such ‘light’ fare as Macaroni, Cheese and Mini–Hot Dog Tiramisu and then there’s their annual Food Awards, which also had an award for the ‘Best use of duck fat’. Conversely, over at Cosmopolitan, a decidedly women focused magazine, I can easily learn how to Drop 5 Pounds in a Week, and about The 10 Best Weight-Loss Tips Ever. I’ve yet to read the Cosmo articles but I’ll bet anything that neither includes ‘duck fat’ and how best to use it.

Oftentimes, going out for dinner with a guy is a whole new experience in cuisine: You want to put Italian sausage, ham, salami, bacon, ground beef and pepperoni on ONE pizza? Can they even do that? Cheddar cheese on a thick slice of deep-dish apple pie? Never heard of it but I’m happy to try it off your plate. A cream sauce on the steak with a fully loaded baked potato on the side?? Well if you’re going to have it then I’ll definitely have to try it!

My meal predilection is not limited to dates either. My good friends know (and probably hate) this one trait of mine. Whenever I’m invited over for dinner, the first question I’ll ask is: What’s on the menu? Sure I want your company and yes I’d like to catch up with you and of course I can’t wait to see you too but still…can you run that menu by me again?

So yes, I date mainly for the food and see nothing wrong with this. The way to my heart is definitely through his stomach. Young or old, rich or not as rich – I’m an equal opportunity dater and whoever brings forth the tastiest dish will undoubtedly deserve all my love and affection. And should my next date order a plate of deep fried macaroni and cheese, he may just be my soul mate.

I think I’m in love!

Deep Fried Mac & Cheese